one day

Each day is hard.
Passing time through music, videos, and movies is easy
but focusing on school takes all I have.
Planning for the future doesn’t work out
I don’t have dreams, goals, or ambitions at all.
Why do I feel so empty?
I used to think it was okay to ignore personal issues and just focus on school or work but why are my emotions so strong?
I just want to cry, and cry, and cry.
There is not much I enjoy in my city, then again I haven’t cared to experience it.
My dream place? Somewhere warm, with trails I could explore and mountains I could hike. Someplace quiet, without all the fake lights.
When I imagine this place, there are no other people besides myself. Which I find strange, because a place like this would be perfect with a few others.
That is when I realize that this place is a dream and I can’t escape my reality. I have pushed away all my friends and cut ties with them.
I don’t have a will to live, but I don’t have confidence to stop it either.
I’m surrounded by too many, I have younger siblings. It would be selfish.
And though I hate this life, that is not how I want to be remembered.
So, I’ll try harder.
One day I will be truly happy.

reminder to self

There is so much more that I would rather be doing.

I want to change my life completely from the point I am at right now.
But I can’t.
I don’t know how. I can’t quit my job and just leave. I have siblings and  my parents depend on me. I’ve tried looking for other jobs. Jobs that interest me and are in my career but I don’t have enough experience. I’m volunteering and recently I was given the opportunity to be a part of the actual team. But I haven’t heard back from them.

I was called in for interviews that went fairly well. But I haven’t heard back from them.
They were interviewing other people as well so they must have found someone better suited for the job but I just don’t know what to do anymore.

There is always someone better. I know that. That is why I am constantly trying to improve myself but it is just so hard when you put yourself out there and no one gives you a chance.

And I hate it. I hate it so much. What’s wrong with me? I ask myself each time. It literally drains all my motivation and energy and it feels like I have hit rock bottom every time but you know what? It’s not rock bottom. Not yet because each time life fails me I’m thrust deeper into the pit.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Everything written in this post above was typed up almost a year ago. Unfortunately, I have to admit that my situation is barely any better. The opportunity to be part of the actual team did happen and it was amazing, but, the event only happens 3 times a year for a week at a time between August and December. It is April now, a long while before that starts up again.

A little info about what exactly that was: it was for a program offered by my school for graduates to earn experience and their certifications. My job was to organize the volunteers and support all the events that were  happening. It was a great opportunity and I met many amazing people. I somehow managed to fake my way through each week though there were some moments when people might have sensed some sadness coming from my end of  table. It is draining for someone like me to keep that up y’know? I didn’t keep in contact with any of those people however. It was easy to talk to the other students my age because I was in a position to lead them. They were some great people that I would definitely love to chat with again but I don’t have the confidence to reach out to them.

Nonetheless, my favourite part was working with the organizers of the whole thing. I’m pretty sure most people can relate but my pet peeve are people that have a job and don’t know how to do it. There are people like me that work very hard to exceed expectations. Trust me, I am amazing as an assistant. Yet, we are overlooked because we are introverts so we are not as outgoing or sometimes to be completely honest I feel like because of the depression that swallowed me for the last few years I haven’t been able to exercise my social skills or any other skills. It is so easy for some people to just  go out and meet new friends but I can’t do it. I can’t bear the thought of approaching someone if it is not work-related. I can’t fathom going up to someone and asking them to be friends. It is just so awkward and also I don’t have anything to say? All I know is what I write here and I am definitely writing a lot right now but this is all there is to it.

I got off topic there but back to my pet peeve now. The organizers were the complete opposite. They were so efficient with all the work they had to do. It was a group of about 5 people (7 with myself and the other assistant). They managed about 250 candidates plus another 100-150 mentors. My job essentially was to make sure everything was getting done right. To sum it up, if I did my job well it is as if I am not there at all. Does that make sense? Anyway, I learned a lot from them and they made me feel so happy to be a part of a team again. I don’t think I expressed myself well enough for them to know just how much I enjoyed working with them but I will for sure, 100 percent, let them know how much they saved me last summer. I finally found a purpose in pursuing my career again and it was all thanks to them.

This post started off very negative but as I remembered this experience, I feel much better. Since I have that experience plus all the courses I have taken this year in my major I should have a better chance at securing an internship or a summer placement. It’s time I take myself out of this slump. I was able to work at that job after applying and volunteering in several places. I can do it again and find more opportunities.

This time, I won’t wait a year. It’s my time now.

healing

It’s not as bad as it used to be.

I don’t think so much about it anymore, it seems as though I’m getting better.
I’ve started reading. I’ve always enjoyed novels but mostly used to read what was popular like Harry Potter or a Series of Unfortunate events. I realized I left behind my passion for books in my youth which is why my old favourites are mostly for young adults.
But, I’ve started to read again. Mostly literature. Hermann Hesse, Haruki Murakami, Banana Yoshimoto to name a few.
I’m not saying it will help everyone going through something similar, I think they call it depression.

But it helped me, so I’m sharing this with you. We don’t know one another, but that is the beauty of our lives today. The world is a lot smaller with all this technology. We can connect from anywhere in the world. The thought comforts me.

Day by day my realization for how much I would rather live grows.

We moved houses. There is more grass and trees and sunlight. I read with the windows open. On the carpet, the spot where the sun shines and it is the most warm.
Most days I fall asleep here too. When I wake up I think to myself how lucky I am to experience this. It is comfortable in the warmth of the sun and the books teach me so much.

It’s not always like this, however. Sometimes I want to scream or break things. I never do that though, I usually just hold it in and that is probably why my heart hurts so much that I often suddenly feel the urge to cry. It can be at anything. Recently I was in a line for coffee and I began to cry. I was inside but I pulled out my sunglasses to hide my red eyes. That feeling of being alone in a crowded room is pretty hurtful, I can’t lie.

At the end of the day, I think everyone here on Earth has a purpose. I haven’t found mine yet but I think I am doing pretty well at improving myself. I even started this blog. If you are lost like I am, I hope we can find our purposes together. Even if we don’t know one another, I support you and I wish you all the best.

Love,

the FOURth lion